Depression with a side of anxiety

Hi, welcome to my blog that is about to be really personal. Things have not been good. I mean, I have not been happy. I realized how bad things had gotten yesterday, when I was dangerously close to dropping out of this program. I was just going to send a few emails to whoever I needed to send emails to and say that I was done. You won’t be seeing me anymore. And I don’t care.

I talked to my fiance about it and cried and said I just wasn’t happy in this program. I’ve made a terrible mistake. This isn’t what I want to do. He asked if I wasn’t happy in the program or if I just wasn’t happy. That really hit me.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time. For a while I was on antidepressants and they helped. It took me a long time to get to the point where I was okay with taking antidepressants. I thought they were a sign of weakness. That whatever was going on was just who I was and something I needed to deal with. I finally started taking them and things were better. I wasn’t giddy all the time or drugged up. I just felt like a better me. A happier version of me. I quit taking them when I quit my job with the fantastic insurance. Psychiatrists are expensive. So are medications. But it was okay. I still felt good. It was like I just needed to take them for a while in order to see things in a different way.

Things haven’t been good lately. I am tired all the time. I dread getting up. I don’t look forward to anything. I don’t feel happy about anything. I am constantly worried. I just can’t relax. I know this program and everything it means is stressful so it is normal to feel  these things. But I’ve realized that it is different and I have to do something about it before it takes over my life.

Am I Ready?

This week has made me question whether or not I’m ready for this semester to begin. I guess it’s a little late since this semester has already begun. I don’t think I’m ready for the constant anxiety that this program brings on me. Planning for teaching, getting observed, making sure my assignments are turned in on time. Going to classes that are sometimes pretty good and helpful and insightful and interesting, but other times… really…really suck.

I guess it just becomes a matter of trying to focus on the bigger picture. I do like my new placement at Idlewood. It seems like a really good school. Everyone has been so friendly and helpful so far. I like my mentor teacher and am already learning so much from her. I love my 3rd graders. I love their independence and ability to self correct and self monitor.I love their personalities and eagerness to learn.

Maybe it is just difficult getting back in the swing of things. Sometimes I do think about quitting and finding a nice desk job somewhere in an office with cubicles. I would always know where I was going, know exactly what to expect, know what to fax, copy, enter on the computer, what to say when I answered the phone. Sometimes I do think about it, when I’m driving to school at 6:30 in the morning with the knowledge that I have a full day in the classroom with kids and then in another classroom until 7. I think about the beauty of monotony. How there is no fear or anxiety in monotony. Sometimes that sounds nice. A relief. Sometimes I think I am just lazy. Or maybe just afraid of failure.

Now, it is Saturday afternoon. I am going to start on some class readings and try to stop worrying and wondering if it is all worth it. It is. Deep down… it is. And I think I know that.

Native Americans and the first Thanksgiving

I really had a lot going through my head during our “exploration” in Ms. Vera’s class today. I was feeling tired, rundown, and on the verge of getting sick so perhaps I wasn’t as responsive as I would like to have been. I think more than that, I was and am feeling a little confused and lost. I am part Native American, but that is a part that I have never really claimed. Looking at the the story of the first Thanksgiving made me feel sad, not just because it is a lie, but also because I feel like an outsider in a culture that I should know more about. The story of the first Thanksgiving is a story that I was taught. I didn’t learn some of the truths until later in life, and in this way I can see the dominant white culture in play. What haven’t I been taught about my own history, my own people whose blood made me who I am today? The truth is, many Americans have ties to Native Americans and the story we tell is always so quaint and pretty. We leave out the part where our ancestors almost destroyed an entire culture. Even today, Native Americans struggle to let their voices be heard in history and literature books. Knowing what I know, I couldn’t possibly read a little cutesy book about the brave Pilgrims coming to America , where everyone sits down and has a feast, and they all live happily ever after. The truth is, there is a group of people who didn’t get to live happily ever after. And doesn’t that fact shake the very ideal of the wonderful “melting pot” that we all want to have in this country? What happens when we acknowledge that things haven’t always been great in this country? What happens when we say that there have been groups of people who have been and continue to be brutalized and terrorized in this country?

Journey

I feel like these past few months have been so much longer than what they actually have been. I am learning so much about myself everyday and am reaching a new understanding about who I am and what I hope to accomplish. I have definetely been on a roller coaster with the ups of feeling really satisfied with myself and this program and the downs of questioning whether or not I have made the right decision. Those ups and downs have really made me look at myself more closely, and I think it is a necessary process. A necessary journey that won’t always be easy. There will always be those ups and downs, and it isn’t the ups and downs that make you or break you; it is how to choose to reflect on them and grow from them. When I think about it, this is still a very new experience for me. I haven’t been in this program and student teaching for all that long. But when you see your strengths and weaknesses come out on a daily basis, it feels like so much longer.

How am I feeling?

Unclear, but determined and hopeful.

The quote that I received

I feel like the quote that I received from Mr. and Mrs. Dr. Williams was very fitting, and it almost made me cry. The quote is from Nelson Mandela’s 1994 Inaugural Speech and says,

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.  We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.  Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.  There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  We are all meant to shine, as children do.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

My own self doubt is something that I struggle with.  I do think that I am meant to achieve greatness, but I haven’t been able to let my light shine.  Or, I haven’t realized how to let it shine.  Everyday I am closer to making that realization, and I am becoming more and more willing and able to let my light shine.  It really is a journey to let go of the fear and the self doubt and just let myself be free.

Visiting Idlewood Elementary

I am really glad we got a chance to visit Idlewood Elementary yesterday.  I feel like it gave me more confidence in my decision to become a teacher.  Just seeing the teachers who had already been through our program in action made me feel like I could do it, and I could do it well.  One of the things that I noticed in the class that I observed was the “No Place for Hate Promise.”  One part of the promise said, “I promise to do my best to be kind to everyone-even if they are not like me.”  This really showed me that we can take what we are learning about being culturally responsive and help our young students apply it to their own lives and in their classrooms.

My highschool experience

After reading “The Seven-Lesson Schoolteacher” by John Taylor Gatto, I thought about my own high school experience and what it taught me. I did not fit into the high-school system. One quote from Gatto’s article that really struck me was, “Individuality is a contradiction of class theory, a curse to all systems of classifications.” I definitely felt this way in high school and struggled to assert my individuality in a setting where I was constantly told to conform to the norm. The norm was being excited about Friday night football games, being peppy at the Pep rally, memorizing facts so I could spit them out the next day and being happy to do it. In order to assert some individuality I wore strange outfits, cut my hair very short and dyed it black, smoked cigarettes in the bathroom, blatantly read books on Buddhism or books of poetry in class when I should have been taking notes or doing a Chemistry assignment. I spent a few Saturdays in “Saturday school.” I think I was trying let people know that I was different, that I thought about things differently. I couldn’t wait to get out of high school and was ready to be done with the whole education thing altogether. Luckily, my dad gave me a choice that made it very easy to decide to go on to college. Upon graduating, I had not applied to colleges; I hadn’t even thought about going to college, but my dad told me that either I needed to a) go to college, or b) move out of the house. Well, ummm, I think I give this college thing a try. Since I hadn’t done very well in high school and hadn’t planned to go to college, my options were limited. I went to the local community college, and it was one of the best decisions of my life. I felt like I finally had control over what I studied and how I studied. I had control over my own life, and I could succeed or I could fail. Most importantly, I could be seen as an individual with thoughts and feelings. I saw myself as intelligent, and I chose to excel. Some people look down on community college, but for me it gave me the opportunity to think about my life and get myself together as I prepared for the next phase of my life.

Tracking kids from a young age

When I was 6 or 7  years old, I took a series of tests to see whether or not I was “gifted.”  I remember going into a little room, talking to the man who was administering the test, answering his questions, playing with blocks and shapes, and taking an IQ test.  Well, according to the results of all his tests, I was, in fact, not “gifted.”  A few months ago, I was going through some old school work and art at my mom’s house.  She had kept a copy of the report that this man wrote about me.  He talked about how quiet and anxious I was during our meeting and during my tests.  I wonder how much that anxiety affected my performance.  Even as a 27 year old woman, who has graduated from college, it made me feel bad to read this report about myself.  It made me remember how I felt when I learned that I hadn’t “passed” the tests and wasn’t “gifted.”  I had to stop myself from saying that I really must be dumb.  I don’t know how I’ve made it all these years considering that when I was 6 I was too stupid to be considered “gifted!”

An Atheist in a Christian Nation

I thought I would go out on a limb here and talk about what it means to be an Atheist in the United States. I know that there are many negative connotations associated with the word “Atheist,” and I know this because I grew up in a Southern Baptist church. I would like to point out a few things and hopefully clear up a few misconceptions.  I would also like to point out a few ways in which Atheists are discriminated against in this country.
As an Atheist in a Christian nation:

• I will be outnumbered anywhere I go.
• People might assume that I worship the devil. I grew up thinking that an Atheist was the same as a devil worshiper. But, just like I don’t believe in God, I don’t believe in the Devil either.
• I carry around and use currency that says, “In God we trust.” I am no longer a part of the “We.”
• If I were running for public office and talked about my non belief in God, I probably wouldn’t be elected.
• If I say the Pledge of Allegiance, I make a very conscious decision not to say “under God,” which is distracting and makes me feel very aware of my place in society, which is like an outsider.
• It took me a long time to get over my feelings of guilt and shame concerning my non belief in God.
• When I talked to my mom about my thoughts and non belief, it broke her heart. She still asks me to go to church with her, and denies my non belief.
• At family meals and gatherings, I am expected to pray.
• People might assume that I am really just angry with God, when, in actuality, I do not believe in God. It is hard to be angry at something that doesn’t exist.
• I might be expected to teach that God created the world in 7 days. I base my believes on science. I like facts and need concrete proof of God’s existence. I do believe in evolution and see human beings as another species on this planet. We have the ability to think and reason and create, and I think that we are an amazing animal, but I think that evolution can explain all of it.
• I have studied world religions and probably know more than most about them.
• I have studied the Bible and Christianity.
• I have high moral standards and value human beings and freedom. Many Christians believe that morality comes from God, and if a person doesn’t believe in God, then that person must be immoral and wicked.
• Generally speaking, I am a happy person. I am not angry or sad, and I love life and cherish the moments that I have on this Earth.
• I often feel like I have to lie about my non belief, or at least hide it.
• It makes me mad that, in Georgia, I can’t buy alcohol on Sundays.
• I believe that religion causes more harm than good – wars, crusades, televangelism, cults, bigotry, mistrust, terrorism, and discrimination are a few that come to mind. I know that there are many positive things that come from religion, and religion has helped a great many people reach a higher level of understanding and consciousness, but for me the bad outweigh the good.
• Most people assume that I am a Christian.

Please feel free to comment on any of these or ask questions if you have any.