Depression with a side of anxiety
Hi, welcome to my blog that is about to be really personal. Things have not been good. I mean, I have not been happy. I realized how bad things had gotten yesterday, when I was dangerously close to dropping out of this program. I was just going to send a few emails to whoever I needed to send emails to and say that I was done. You won’t be seeing me anymore. And I don’t care.
I talked to my fiance about it and cried and said I just wasn’t happy in this program. I’ve made a terrible mistake. This isn’t what I want to do. He asked if I wasn’t happy in the program or if I just wasn’t happy. That really hit me.
I have struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time. For a while I was on antidepressants and they helped. It took me a long time to get to the point where I was okay with taking antidepressants. I thought they were a sign of weakness. That whatever was going on was just who I was and something I needed to deal with. I finally started taking them and things were better. I wasn’t giddy all the time or drugged up. I just felt like a better me. A happier version of me. I quit taking them when I quit my job with the fantastic insurance. Psychiatrists are expensive. So are medications. But it was okay. I still felt good. It was like I just needed to take them for a while in order to see things in a different way.
Things haven’t been good lately. I am tired all the time. I dread getting up. I don’t look forward to anything. I don’t feel happy about anything. I am constantly worried. I just can’t relax. I know this program and everything it means is stressful so it is normal to feel these things. But I’ve realized that it is different and I have to do something about it before it takes over my life.
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It’s really hard and incredibly brave to be transparent and real with anyone….especially when it’s anything of a truly personal nature. Christina, I think it’s really incredible that you were able to share, and it is my sincerest desire that you begin to feel encouraged, uplifted, and restored..no matter what it may take. Forget about the program – what matters is that you simply allow you to be you and have the freedom to be the beautiful person that you are. And know this – the extent to which you need those around you, is the exact time where you will find people standing with you, supporting you, and loving you for who you are. I’m here if you need me.
Christina, I am so sorry that you’re having such a rough time. You’re almost at the end though! You’ll be all prepared for your thematic unit in a couple more weeks, then we have role reversal! After role reversal is over, we’re practically done! I’m not sure if you are doing the second year, but if you are, you’ll have the whole month of May to NOT do homework or lesson plans!
Cheer up! You were strong enough to get here, so I know you’re strong enough to finish it out. Quitting is not an option. If you ever want to hang out or talk, I’m here! Take care of yourself.
Desi