Depression with a side of anxiety

Hi, welcome to my blog that is about to be really personal. Things have not been good. I mean, I have not been happy. I realized how bad things had gotten yesterday, when I was dangerously close to dropping out of this program. I was just going to send a few emails to whoever I needed to send emails to and say that I was done. You won’t be seeing me anymore. And I don’t care.

I talked to my fiance about it and cried and said I just wasn’t happy in this program. I’ve made a terrible mistake. This isn’t what I want to do. He asked if I wasn’t happy in the program or if I just wasn’t happy. That really hit me.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time. For a while I was on antidepressants and they helped. It took me a long time to get to the point where I was okay with taking antidepressants. I thought they were a sign of weakness. That whatever was going on was just who I was and something I needed to deal with. I finally started taking them and things were better. I wasn’t giddy all the time or drugged up. I just felt like a better me. A happier version of me. I quit taking them when I quit my job with the fantastic insurance. Psychiatrists are expensive. So are medications. But it was okay. I still felt good. It was like I just needed to take them for a while in order to see things in a different way.

Things haven’t been good lately. I am tired all the time. I dread getting up. I don’t look forward to anything. I don’t feel happy about anything. I am constantly worried. I just can’t relax. I know this program and everything it means is stressful so it is normal to feel  these things. But I’ve realized that it is different and I have to do something about it before it takes over my life.