Am I Ready?

This week has made me question whether or not I’m ready for this semester to begin. I guess it’s a little late since this semester has already begun. I don’t think I’m ready for the constant anxiety that this program brings on me. Planning for teaching, getting observed, making sure my assignments are turned in on time. Going to classes that are sometimes pretty good and helpful and insightful and interesting, but other times… really…really suck.

I guess it just becomes a matter of trying to focus on the bigger picture. I do like my new placement at Idlewood. It seems like a really good school. Everyone has been so friendly and helpful so far. I like my mentor teacher and am already learning so much from her. I love my 3rd graders. I love their independence and ability to self correct and self monitor.I love their personalities and eagerness to learn.

Maybe it is just difficult getting back in the swing of things. Sometimes I do think about quitting and finding a nice desk job somewhere in an office with cubicles. I would always know where I was going, know exactly what to expect, know what to fax, copy, enter on the computer, what to say when I answered the phone. Sometimes I do think about it, when I’m driving to school at 6:30 in the morning with the knowledge that I have a full day in the classroom with kids and then in another classroom until 7. I think about the beauty of monotony. How there is no fear or anxiety in monotony. Sometimes that sounds nice. A relief. Sometimes I think I am just lazy. Or maybe just afraid of failure.

Now, it is Saturday afternoon. I am going to start on some class readings and try to stop worrying and wondering if it is all worth it. It is. Deep down… it is. And I think I know that.